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Review: Space Quest III: The Pirates of Pestulon

November 20th, 2018

Written by: Stoo

Hi all. It’s been a shamefully long time since I last wrote a review here, but today I have a new one for you! We’re returning to the realms of the Sierra adventures, looking at Space Quest III: The Pirates of Pestulon.

Moments in Gaming: Ximelez and Castolo

November 11th, 2018

Written by: Rik

The Master League, Pro Evolution Soccer‘s career mode, was a source of many lost hours during the early-mid 00s. Taking control of the team of your choice (which, depending on your loyalties and the licensing issues of that year’s edition, may be a real club with authentic kits or an approximation with a borderline ludicrous name and an oversized flag on otherwise detail-free shirts), evenings and weekends would be spent ploughing through multiple seasons in search of glory, taking control of action on the pitch and transfer activities off it.

Regardless of the eccentricities of your team’s name, kits and squads were accurate and recognisable enough (and possible to edit, if you had the time and inclination), and with many players buying football games on the basis of taking control of their favoured side and current squad, the Master League sensibly added this option in Pro Evolution Soccer 4.

Before then, however, whichever side you chose, the real-life squad would be nowhere to be seen, replaced by a motley band of low quality misfits, a United Nations of crap players, generated by Konami specifically for use in the Master League. The names remained largely unchanged for several years, going back to ISS Pro Evolution 2 on the Playstation: there was, however, a bizarre widespread renaming process that took place between PES 2 and PES 3, the effects of which were to take a set of generic names that sounded vaguely realistic and alter their spelling in a way that made them just sound weird (right-winger Espinas became known as Espimas, while defensive midfielder Cellini was reincarnated as Celnili, and so on…I know misspelled names are a tradition in football games with licensing issues, but surely not if you’ve made those names up in the first place).

Replaying PES 3 now is a reminder not only of why critics and FIFA fans decried it as a largely joyless experience, but also of how the pleasure gleaned from earning those admittedly rare moments of joy kept so many of us glued to the series for so long. Early games and seasons are a slog, for the simple reason that these starting players are uniformly terrible and able, at most, to do one thing quite well. At the highest difficulty levels, eking out results requires the strictest of discipline: creating chances is reliant on methodical passing to retain possession, while free kicks and corners must not be wasted. At the other end, opponents are clinical and make the most of any defensive sloppiness. It truly puts you in the position of a lower league team, trying to make the most of what you have.

In a way, starting with the default squad is a harsh but effective tutorial, in terms of sharpening the skills required for success in the game, although it could be argued that it’s almost too effective, in that you spend so long learning to cope with poor players that when you finally buy the likes of Shevchenko, Rivaldo et al, it kind of seems like cheating.

Still, I wouldn’t go as far as some who seem to have formed a bond with these dreadful players across several versions of PES over the years, or even make outlandish claims that some of them aren’t even all that bad. Yes, in those early games, there are moments where you might be grateful for central defender Valeny’s pace, the reasonable wingplay of Ximelez and the aforementioned Espimas, or the occasional good free-kick from attacking midfielder Minanda, but frankly, I could never wait to get rid of them. Brazilian striker Castolo, in particular, flatters to deceive: capering about the pitch at a reasonable rate in his white boots, his performances sadly hampered by low shooting accuracy, which means he can’t hit a barn door with a banjo.

Personally, I instead save my affection for the initial crop of cheap and free transfer signings that you rely on for initial success (current crush: tricksy attacking midfielder Marco Ferreira, currently on fire for Leeds…I mean, Yorkshire, in Master League Northern Division 1). Sorry, Ximelez, Castolo et al: thanks for the memories, but you’re on the release list, and if no-one wants you, I’ll be stopping contract negotiations before they start.

Vault of Regret: Sensible Soccer

November 2nd, 2018

Written by: Rik

I’m not particularly proud of the fact that Sensible Soccer and I have never got on. Even our first, rather negative, mention of the series in the form of a now ancient review of Sensible World Of Soccer (which comes close to being filed under “20-something delights in mildly controversial opinion” or “that thing you like isn’t very good, actually”) came after approximately 12 years of trying and failing to see what everyone else loved about it. I owned the original Sensible Soccer on Atari ST and on PC, and would periodically give it a go in the hope that I’d catch on, before adding SWOS to my collection and, inevitably, hating that too.

There’s little point rehashing my criticisms here, especially as I recently revisited the series. My intention was to approach the games with a more positive and grown up attitude, finding the positives and keeping the snide remarks at bay – which I think I did – but I still couldn’t paper over the bare fact that I still didn’t really like it. Perhaps aided by a concurrent playthrough of the vastly inferior facsimile Football Glory, I found the original Sensi to be basically ok, but replaying SWOS told me that, while my sentiments in 2005 may have been crudely expressed, they remained largely representative of how I felt about the game.

And that is a source of regret, although so is my attitude during the early years of FFG: too keen to stamp on others’ nostalgia and delight in calling something dated and rubbish (although, let’s be honest, the latter can still be rather good fun under the right circumstances). Sensible Soccer and Speedball 2 were two of my most prominent targets, with your correspondent at the time clearly of the opinion that they owed their stellar reputation to a particular generation of games writers’ nostalgia for Amiga multiplayer during their university years.

Ha! That’ll never happen to me, man. I’ll never get to my mid-to-late 30s and be banging on about the games I played when I was younger. I’m better than that: I review games on merit. How does it stand up today, yeah? Is Sensi better than FIFA and Pro Evo? Is it? Is it really? “More realistic”, is it? With those silly little players and their big heads waddling around the pitch and punting the ball hither and thither? Better than the latest footy games with proper graphics and commentary and all that? Pipe down, grandpa.

That’s why we had so few sports games on FFG during the early years. At that point, I still played the latest ones, and the instruction to buy the latest update of whichever series is generally considered the best, seemed like fairly obvious advice: you’ll always have the time and the inclination to keep up, so this should be your default choice forever. The new ones keep getting better and better and make your old ‘classics’ look like shit, never mind the ones that weren’t even considered good at the time.

At some point, I must have realised how misguided all of this was and began (to some readers’ evident dismay) populating the sports section more regularly. Although not everyone may feel the same, I came to see the depth and breadth of old football releases, compared to the annual two-horse race we have now, a rather fascinating phenomenon and usually find something interesting to say about each of them. I also recognised that my own particular modern football series of choice had not, in fact, remained the best option forever and ever, but instead fallen upon critical hard times, and decided to make some time to write about what I considered its glory days.

But it wasn’t until recently that I finally understood that the wheel had turned full-circle: an innocent hankering for a bit of Pro Evolution Soccer 3, and the relative simplicity of getting it going on my laptop (not completely without hiccups, but never are the seemingly modest desires for an oldie stirred more vigorously than when it doesn’t seem to work for no particular reason) soon led to a Master League season, and to semi-regular evening and weekend matches. And, most significantly, to thoughts like “they don’t make ’em like this anymore”, “I miss the simplicity of the controls” and “modern games are too complicated, this just feels right.”

All of which are comments I would happily have mocked had they been made (and they have been made) about Sensible Soccer. It turns out, though, it’s actually fine, natural and normal to have nostalgic feelings for an old football game and not want to dive into the latest FIFA, without necessarily deriding the latter as too complicated.

What’s more, that feeling of getting back into an old footy game that you loved, playing a few matches and being unable to resist firing up a season or multiple seasons and diving full-length into it again, even if it involves repeating some of the same beats – recalling your old tactics, buying and selling some of the same players – is a great thing. It’s distinct and separate from tinkering with some of the mid-table stuff from the past, interesting as that can be, because while you might play, say, The F.A. Premier League STARS for a period sufficient to see how it all works and whether you can get good at it, you already know all of that going back to a Pro Evo (or even Puma World Football) and yet still feel compelled to play for hours, days and weeks.

I also now have more of an understanding of the section of Championship Manager fans who dismiss the latest versions of the series (now called Football Manager) to be far too complex and time-consuming, instead rallying around an older version (generally the 01-02 edition appears to be considered the pinnacle). This sizeable hardcore replay the game over and over again, sometimes signing the same great players, sometimes setting themselves contrived challenges, discussing results and sharing stories via Twitter. My own experience of replaying an old version was unsatisfactory, in that I felt that my alternative version of history had already been written – perhaps my mistake was trying to do exactly the same thing with the same club and players, and when I had less success than before it sort of damaged my old memories.

The Pro Evolution Soccer 3 Master League is a different story though. Can it really be 15 years old? [Yes – a reader]. And so in acknowledging an unapologetic nostalgia for old-school Pro Evo, a series he first played at university, this 37 year-old man comes to realise he is not, as it turns out, any different from, or better than, those Amiga-owning Sensi lovers after all.

Review: The Blackwell Convergence

October 28th, 2018

Written by: Rik

Hello there!

Recently we’ve been taking a look back at Wadjet Eye’s Blackwell series. Today we’re covering the third game, The Blackwell Convergence.

Vault of Regret: The F.A. Premier League STARS

October 18th, 2018

Written by: Rik

We mentioned last time the consequences of reckless spending in the budget section of 90s gaming shops: namely, that you end up buying Zone Raiders. Like all bad habits, this one of mine has occasionally been subject to periods of abstinence and, of course, massive overcorrection: I’ll just buy one really good game, like normal people would.

Even though I’ve bought a lot of poor to middling football games over the years, they’ve never been much of a source of regret. In the 90s, the market leaders on PC – be they Sensi, Actua or FIFA – were never so far ahead of the rest that it was a simple matter of making the right choice. Usually, the critical consensus was split, and the also-rans often had enough original ideas to satisfy my curiosity. I genuinely enjoy – as any regular readers may have noticed – playing old football games regardless of their quality, and there was always the chance that an unheralded gem might be discovered (a small chance, as it turned out, although we wouldn’t have discovered Puma World Football ’98 otherwise).

Back in 1999, EA’s FIFA games were enjoying a good patch. World Cup ’98 and FIFA ’99 were both well received and, on PC at least, recognised as the best computer footy money could buy. With no international tournament to flog and keen to maintain what was at that point a six month release schedule of new football titles, EA announced a new series, based on a new licensing partnership with the English top division: The F.A. Premier League STARS.

The appeal of this game to a non-football fan would appear mysterious at best, and, more likely, reinforce the popular consensus that people who like football and their money are too easily parted. It was another footy game from EA, kind of like FIFA, with Premier League teams (also included in FIFA) but with better graphics and licenses. It doesn’t sound like much now, but in truth it was quite a big deal at the time, to go beyond authentic team and player names and correctly coloured kits to the full on licensed league experience, with accurate grounds and chants, kits with sponsors logos, the full Sky Sports commentary team (but remember, Puma had Martin Tyler first) and sundry other details that all make the difference. If people were willing to pay for a World Cup tie-in, then surely they’d do the same for a Premier League season? Ok, it’d still basically be FIFA, but would look a bit better: I was ok with that.

Unusually, I had been blessed at the time by the happy combination of a new fab-whizzo PC and a bit of spare money (the latter possibly a reward for a set of A-Level results that were frankly below what was expected). So I was for once in the position to break my usual habits and venture out to buy STARS upon release, without waiting for the reviews.

As it turns out, I probably should have waited for them, as the game was a hollow disappointment, a step back if anything from the most recent FIFA titles. Without the consolation of a low, low price, the guilt at having squandered 30 quid on this thing was quite considerable, and I veered between an overriding sense of panicked anger and calmly trying to tinker with various settings, give it some time, and somehow convince myself that it was OK actually. I mean, it was OK, but nothing more than that: the PC Zone verdict, when it arrived, confirmed as much (Steve Hill: “a curiously stunted affair…a mutant hybrid of FIFA and Actua”).

To its credit, STARS did really feel like a Premier League season, and those little touches of presentation like official sponsors on shirts, authentic grounds and chants, and even the distinctive Premier League font for the player numbers, do make a difference to the seasoned footy fan. Even playing it again now (which I did, a quest that began with a desire for a quick reminder and a few screenshots, and led to the realisation that I only had the 2001 update in my current collection and the frankly barmy idea that playing and using screens from this version would somehow be unacceptable, before ending rather predictably with an eBay purchase and the dusting off of my wheezing old XP machine), it does transport you back to watching Premier League football on Sky Sports in 1999, and if you manage to get over the slightly blurry visuals and grit your teeth through the clunkier parts of sub-FIFA action, there’s a modicum of entertainment to be had.

(As an aside: I did wonder if an emulated version of the PlayStation version of STARS would suffice, but I keep forgetting – and I don’t mean to be a PC snob – just how grainy and low res PSX graphics were. That’s perfectly ok of course, but in this case, it means that those extra presentation touches, on the visual side at least – the kits, the numbers etc – are almost completely lost, making the existence of this version of the game largely pointless).

At the time, though, the purchase really felt like an extravagance, and little things started to get to me: for example, the choice of bangin’ chart dance for the licensed menu music (ATB’s 9pm (Till I Come), a track I once considered a crime against decency and taste, now rendered slightly less offensive by a mellowing of attitudes and opinions as well as the warm glow of nostalgia) hammered home a wider frustration that guitar music was out, post-Britpop, and in the hearts and minds of football fans and the mainstream audience for the game, this kind of nonsense was now considered brand appropriate.

The STARS series lasted precisely one more year, with reviews focusing on the lack of progress since the previous iteration and generally questioning the point of it all, and EA’s contention that the lightweight levelling and transfer system (the STARS of the title: earn them by playing well, spend them on upgrading players or the transfer market) somehow also made it distinctive enough for an annual update, was looking more than a little thin. The good bits – basically making grounds and kits more accurate – were quietly folded into FIFAs 2001 and beyond.

As for me, the following year I bought a PlayStation purely to play ISS Pro Evolution, in many ways the polar opposite of STARS: crap graphics, amateurish commentary and presentation, but light years ahead of the likes of FIFA in almost every other respect. For a number of years after that, I abandoned my dabbling habits in favour of making sure I was there on release day for the new Pro Evo. And I was never disappointed.

Review: Blackwell Unbound

October 15th, 2018

Written by: Rik

Hi everyone,

We’re continuing our look at the Blackwell series with tonight’s review, of Blackwell Unbound.

10 years of GOG.com

October 4th, 2018

Written by: Stoo

Our favourite digital distributor GOG.com is currently celebrating a major milestone. It’s now been a full decade since Good Old Games, as we used to know them, first opened their doors.

Back before 2008, looking for old PC games generally meant abandonware or hunting ebay. GOG.com made the process far more convenient. A selection of classics all from one site, that would install ready to run on your modern PC without zero fuss. No worrying about setting up dosbox for yourself, or windows 95 games complaining about compatibility.

What’s more, they adamantly opposed any sort of DRM, which is why we still favour them even though Steam has a fair amount of oldies these days. Once were downloaded the game we were trusted to copy and install it wherever we liked with no restrictions. Sure that game could be then stuck on bit-torrent for freeloaders. But most people who really want to play a late 90s shooter can probably find $10 to pay for it. Or at least enough can to make the drm-free model viable.

As a welcome little extra, they also often throw in details like soundtracks, artwork and even alternate versions of games. Perhaps not a big deal, but it adds to the appeal of buying from them, instead of finding an abandonware copy,

We at FFG signed up early, of course. The first game I bought from them was Giants, Citizen Kabuto. Their selection wasn’t enormous at first, but they steadily signed up more publishers over time. Perhaps the most eagerly awaited amongst the fans was Lucasarts, bringing a bunch of much loved adventures and star wars games. Meanwhile two of my personal favourites have been System Shock and Wizardry 7, games I had feared would be eternally abandonware.

Over the years they’ve added a of more modern games, particularly indie stuff (and in the process GOG.com became a name rather than an acronym). It makes sense to move some attention to a flourishing and highly relevant section of gaming scene rather than focusing entirely on the past. Still, their commitment to oldies has remained rock solid, in fact they recently added another great one from the 90s: Indiana Jones and the Infernal Machine.

What GOG.com has also enabled me to do, personally, is purchase far more oldies than I have time to play. I have enough RPGs alone to keep me going for years (Betrayal at Krondor, Ultima 7, a whole load of Might and Magic). Then there’s all those old Tomb Raiders, Settlers 2, Shadow Warrior… My lack of self-control is hardly their fault, though.

So then we salute GOG.com and wish them another successful 10 years. They are of course having a sale to mark the occasion, so now’s the time to go see if any of your favourites are discounted. I’d particularly recommend the Timeless Classics Collection, which is exceptionally good value for $5.

Vault of Regret: Zone Raiders

September 23rd, 2018

Written by: Rik

If you were to ask me what the worst game I’ve ever played was, my instinctive reaction, without even thinking about it, would be to reply, “Zone Raiders”. Without repeating the contents of my years-old review in their entirety, for our purposes here, it’s worth re-stating the following:

It almost certainly isn’t the worst game I’ve ever played. It’s technically competent, there are no amusing crashes or glitches, or anything else to really criticise on that front. Attempting to rip into this for laughs would make for a really dull 20-minute YouTube video, even by the standards of really dull 20-minute YouTube videos.

Also, it was neither the subject of a significant investment of time nor money: it didn’t cost me a lot, and I didn’t spend hours trying to wring some entertainment out of it. So, all these years later, is it really worth harbouring any feelings at all for this old game that cost a few quid all those years ago? Regret should surely be reserved for worse decisions than this.

Indeed. Yet what I want to return to is what Zone Raiders represents: buying a dull, average game for no particular reason, while already having access to evidence that the game in question may, in fact, be dull and average. I don’t have the boxed CD of Zone Raiders any more, but I do have lots of games that may as well be Zone Raiders on my shelves and in my digital libraries. Faced with a choice between buying one game that most people agree is good and a handful of games of varying quality, the evidence over a significant number of years suggests that I will choose the latter every time.

Let’s compare the purchasing process for the Rik of 1995 and the Rik of 2018 (if you’re able to forgive the grave and borderline irredeemable offence of speaking about yourself in the third person, and I wouldn’t blame you if you aren’t). 2018 Rik has money of his own to buy any of the new games, although he’s out of touch with what’s going on in modern gaming, and there’s already a large backlog of previous purchases to suit any mood at his disposal. As a grown man, he should realise that ‘this might be good to take a look at one day on FFG’ has been invoked far too regularly in the past to justify titles that remain untouched, and he does remember this, most of the time. However, a Steam or GOG sale occasionally causes him to weaken, as long as the game (or selection of games) does not cost more than £10.

1995 Rik is not of working age and does not have much money. Instead of saving up for a few weeks to buy something high profile and good, he regularly browses the shelves of PC World, GAME or Future Zone to see what is on budget release or special offer. As a spotty teenager without an internet connection, there is no FFG and no chin-stroking justification for looking at a broad range of games. On the basis of looking at the writing and screenshots on the back of the box, he is able to convince himself that almost anything might be ‘quite good’ – even titles like flight sims and strategy games that he demonstrably has failed to persist with in the past – or ‘worth a go at that price’ and they will be purchased, as long as they cost less than £10.

Regrettably, for these two people are me, they are both idiots. The idiocy of 1995 is perhaps more understandable, and can be put down to the poor decisions of a child, but it is worse. Unquestionably, some good games could be had for cheap, even in those days, which makes the purchase of something not good even less forgiveable. And it’s not like I wasn’t buying, or at least reading, PC Zone regularly and didn’t have any idea whether games were good or not. (Did the notion of reviews being a ‘buyer’s guide’ ever actually work that way in practice? Or, ultimately, do people always think they know better?)

Note: nicked from Mobygames.

So, what made me buy Zone Raiders? I remember the box art strongly implying a kind of futuristic road racer with weapons, so I pictured something like a more free-form Wipeout. In reality, it was more like a crapper, emptier version of Descent or Quarantine. During my look back through old PC Zones, I spied an early version of the game on the ‘Off the Boards’ section which normally dealt with shareware and freeware. Clearly unfinished, it was praised for being a pretty decent foundation for something. When the main game arrived, it seems not much progress had been made in that respect – again, the engine was considered to be pretty good, but the game built around it was regarded as dull.

This makes sense when delving a little deeper into the work of developers Image Space Incorporated – they’ve since carved out a career in racing games, developing a number of F1 and NASCAR games in the 00s, while their technology is apparently used in a number of other more well-known games including Simbin’s GTR and RACE titles. So perhaps if Zone Raiders had been more of a futuristic racer, it could have been good.

As I said earlier, there are lots of other bad or bad-to-middling games in my past that I’ve probably long forgotten about, it’s just that Zone Raiders happened to be so memorably bland, with such an absence of excitement or things to actually do, other than focus on an incessant beeping noise, that it sort of came to encapsulate all poor bargain-bin decisions. Although now that I think about it, the memories do sort of keep coming: there was Track Attack, which in previews had sort of positioned itself as a successor to Stunts or Stunt Car Racer but at some point had morphed into an obnoxious futuristic racer (is there a theme here?) with a terrible frame rate. Again, I think I still bought it AFTER PC Zone gave it an unfavourable review. There was FX Fighter, supposedly the PC’s answer to Virtua Fighter; and Iron Assault, a mech game from the developers of Screamer with unimpressive visuals and even less impressive video cut-scenes. I could go on. But Zone Raiders was the only one to make me feel as if I’d literally bought nothing.

There probably isn’t as much difference between the 14 year-old boy who bought Zone Raiders and the 37 year-old man who goes rooting through charity shop bargain bins at every opportunity as I’d like, but hopefully there has been sufficient personal growth to ensure 2018’s version of Zone Raiders, whatever that might be, doesn’t find its way into my collection. Farewell then, Zone Raiders, may you and all that you represent remain locked in the Vault of Regret for the rest of eternity.

[Edit: There’s an unfortunate coda to this story – in the process of researching the game a bit more, I discovered to my horror that Zone Raiders has been exhumed from the abandonware grave and is now sold for real money again on a digital platform called Zoom (of which I was previously unaware). Having long ago stopped being angry about Zone Raiders, I now find my sense of inner peace on the topic disturbed: I simply cannot imagine that there is an audience for this game all these years later. And while officially of course I’m in favour of old games being resurrected, there is of course the fact that people are charging money for this absolute dreck: DO NOT BUY OR PLAY ZONE RAIDERS!]

Review: The Blackwell Legacy

September 22nd, 2018

Written by: Rik

Hi there everyone.

Hot on the heels of Stoo’s decision to revisit the Sierra adventures of old, today we’re looking at something rather more recent.

Wadjet Eye have led something of a revival of the point and click genre in recent years: here’s a look at the first instalment of their Blackwell series, The Blackwell Legacy.

Vault of Regret: Command and Conquer

September 13th, 2018

Written by: Rik

It is not the intention of this series to chronicle each and every game that we happen to be not very good at: there are a lot of them, for a start, and speaking personally there’s enough whining from me on the subject on this site (and possibly also in the comments sections of reviews at Just Games Retro) already. Some people understand, and are good at, strategy games. I am not one of them, and I’m ok with that.

Having said all that, there are a handful of titles with which I’ve dabbled sufficiently to harbour Specific Regret of the type we can file away securely in this vault. One example would be the venerable 4x classic Master of Orion 2, a long-time favourite of my friend and colleague Stoo. I have reasonably fond memories of the two of us taking on the galaxy in hot-seat multiplayer mode about 20 years ago: however, subsequent attempts to rekindle those feelings as a solo player indicate that in all likelihood my previous efforts relied on significant guidance from my fellow player, drawing upon his knowledge of the game to steer me through each turn while avoiding serious catastrophe.

As a youngster, strategy games struck me as being rather too much on the dull and dusty side to be of any interest. On the Atari ST, strategy seemed to mean serious military battle games like Austerlitz and Waterloo: even something like the original Civilization seemed too history-based, far less exciting to adolescent eyes than action-packed shooters, football or racing games. The only exception of note was a game called Millennium 2.2, which was kind of a precursor to the likes of Master of Orion, and appealed on the basis of its sci-fi setting and atmospheric music: again, though, I’m not sure if I played it properly or just messed around not knowing what I was doing until it was game over.

The era of real-time strategy certainly changed my perceptions of the genre. Playing Westwood’s Dune 2, I understood for the first time the basics of resource collection, building a base and directing attacks, because it was all so easily explained and accomplished: click here and watch it happen. Early missions were extremely gentle, acting effectively as a tutorial, with House Atreides mentat Cyril on hand to give you hints and tips. (And, yes, it would always be House Atreides: here began my pathological need to play as “the good guys” in these games and ignore entirely the other campaigns). The presentation was glossy and exciting, from the movie-like introduction to little in-game touches such as the repeated verbal acknowledgements of your commands that would become a hallmark of the genre.

Westwood followed Dune 2 with Command and Conquer, which to my mind was the first strategy game to be actively marketed as fun and exciting: ditching the slightly nerdy Dune licence in favour of a contemporary alternate reality based around a war between fictional terrorists and the self-appointed world police, utilising CD technology to add video cut scenes and ramp up the presentation in general. Real-time strategy is for everyone: anyone can build a base, collect Tiberium and amass an army to do their bidding, while some cool music plays in the background. Again, early missions were gentle, allowing you to focus on doing rather than thinking.

And there was the problem for me: when things did start to require some level of thought, it was too tough to take and I found myself defeated rather too easily. The pace of the action, part of that initial excitement and appeal, started to become overwhelming, and the clarity and speed of thought required to succeed more and more elusive. 1996’s Command and Conquer: Red Alert was probably the C&C game I played most, and it certainly left a mark on me in a way that the original didn’t, but I can’t readily recall just how far I got in the campaign: the missions in which you didn’t have a base as such and had to guide a handful of units around, Cannon Fodder style, did get on my nerves and possibly it was one of these that defeated me.

During this site’s earliest years, the critical consensus was that Command and Conquer was old hat, and relied on linear tactics and build and rush gameplay. Tiberian Sun was considered a disappointment, and 3D rivals such as Ground Control and Homeworld (another of Stoo’s favourites) were being pushed as superior RTS options. In the context of such comments, I cobbled together a review of Red Alert, albeit not a particularly detailed or insightful one, but I felt sufficiently moved to defend it, even if my low level of expertise meant I had little right to do so.

Tiberian Sun itself was also the subject of a write-up, and must have been played for a period deemed sufficient to meet 2007 FFG quality standards (whatever they were…I certainly didn’t get to the end). I can remember very little about it now, except a sense that it lacked a certain spark that the previous games had, and the fact that employing Hollywood stars to participate in the cut scenes undermined their cheesy charm somewhat.

It was Red Alert 2 that finally killed me off. Contemporary reviews had been kinder than they had been to Tiberian Sun, and so I was convinced to give it a go, only to find that I failed spectacularly on a very early mission. I think that’s when I realised I wasn’t actually ever any good at Command and Conquer: I’d played it, and thought I’d enjoyed it, but probably I hadn’t. Amid all the criticism of it being a build and rush title that wasn’t a “real” strategy game, I must have thought that if something so popular and accessible was beyond me, I really did need to hand over my gaming badge.

I realise now of course that it’s absolutely fine to be rubbish at games. But even in the course of writing this piece, consigning C&C to the Vault of Regret, I got sucked in again. Firing up the old Westwood RTS games for a bit of research, I began a Dune 2 campaign as House Atreides and coasted through the first two, extremely easy, levels. “Hmm…” I thought. “Perhaps Command and Conquer is too hectic for me, but I remember this, and it seems like it might be a simpler and more considered affair. I’ll keep going and perhaps I could write a review at some point.”

Come mission 3, also known as The First Mission In Which More Than One Thing Attacks You, things are on fire, I’ve built things in the wrong order, I’m out of credits and my base is being overrun by Harkkonen. And I’m realising that your units will do very little without you actively telling them, commands have to be issued one at a time, and everything moves incredibly slowly.

Compare that experience with my attempt to have a quick go at Master of Orion 2 to grab some screenshots. Yes, it has an exciting looking intro movie, with spaceships and explosions, and that, but once you get into the game proper, there are menus and numbers and charts: there’s no softening you up with an introductory bit where you build a couple of concrete slabs and feel like a champion. Hit with the stark realities from the start, at least it’s honest: no, Rik, this game isn’t for you – go and do something else.